| Sunday, January 8th, 2006 |
| 7:31 pm |
Hello- The strangest thing happened yesterday. Well, actually the last couple of days. All ladies and some men know that the couple of days before you start your period you feel very moody and crabby and bitchy (Some of us are always that way though) and want to kill anyone who steps into your path. I am in this mood for at least the last three days. Yesterday Aunt Flow finally came to visit and let me tell you I was so happy that she was there!! This meant that I could finally close a chapter of my life. I was so afraid that there would be left overs from my past mistakes. I somehow convinced myself that Chad was the person for me and I was ready to tell him this. However before I could he let me know that his Internet girl has told him that she wants to meet him maybe in March. Oh for spring Break OH JOY!!! So I tell him how happy I am for him and then I tell him that I hope that everything works out. I actually was very surprise that I meant it. I thought that I would feel very bitter and want to cry all the time. But that is not the case. I am just sick of being his girl for right now. So I have not spoken to him since the new year began He called yesterday I still don't want to talk to him. I mean there just has to come a point that you just have to move on right!! Trying very hard to move on!! I don't know if it's because AUNT FLOW is visiting for because I actually am sad but oh my gosh I hate this. Every now and then for no apparent reason I just want to cry. The other day I was having drinks and dinner with a friend of mine, I was retelling a story about how my brother in law had said if he died my sister could remarry, but if she died first he would jump in the coffin with her. I started to cry when I was telling this story. What the hell is wrong with me? Sometimes I wonder if I should go back to my shrink. OK but on the good notes I spent last night at my brother Shoua's House. I am so glad that he and his wife worked out there differences and they are going to stay married. They have five wonderful children. The youngest is only 7. I played Chess with him . . . yeah he beat me in less then six moves. His Oldest is 14. I love having family around I don't know what I would do without them and their support. Ok speaking of family I gotta get going. |
| Wednesday, December 21st, 2005 |
| 6:09 pm |
HI there!!! I haven't written in this thing in live forever!! I feel bad about that. It's not very live if you don't write in it right? Ok so what's up with me. Our Store will going to be closing in about a year. I'm not to worried about it because S&D have assured me of a job. It feels good to have people like you and wanting you to be around. I went and had lunch with Lynn today. gosh he's such a cutie pie!! We went and had dimsome afterwards I went a little crazy shopping. I'd really love to say that it was for Christmas presents but I really bought stuff formyself. I mean there was the three gifts for the kids but the rest of my three bags were all me. I feel a little bit bad for that. I am reading this book called the Mermaid Chair. So far there aren't any mermaids in it. I like it though. It's written by the same lady who wrote the Secret Life of Bees. I'm sure that book really wasn't about bees either. Everything is going very well in most cases. I got into a huge argument with Chad the other night I have not spoken to him in two days not a beep. I just found out the other day that he has diabetes. I try to hard and I really don't know what to do to be there for him. I mean he's been there for me so many times, I just don't know how to act. I got my feelings hurt and acted like a child which I'm sure doesn't help, when he told me that I was the last person that he told. But I mean it shouldn't and isn't about me I know that. But my feeling were still hurt and I acted sooo foolishly. I sometimes really need to grow up and get a brain. It's not about me. ok so enought about that. Recently, I've been really wanting a child. I don't want to get married but I want a child isn't that totally fucked up. I know. It is my Christmas wish that all my friends find happiness in this time of year. Please know that even thought I cannot be with all of you that I care and think of you often. I'm sending all of my happy thoughts to you. liz, joel,greg, michael and crystal. Yes, I know words misspelled I can't spell to save my life I correct it later. Have to go. |
| Sunday, November 27th, 2005 |
| 6:47 pm |
So I have been very busy. I am so glad that my sister moved here it's so great to have her so close. On Turkey day I hung out at her house. I made the salad. Was so proud of myself. Even my brother in law liked my salad and he doesn't even like greens. I went to out dinner the other night with the 20 year old kid. He was very unique in so many ways. I love it. I think that older people go for people who are much too young for them because it makes them feel good that someone so young could find them so interesting. Or at least that's why I do it. It's very flattering. I went to play a poker tournament last night I came in 3rd place out of like 60 people. I thought it was pretty funny since well I suck!!! I think I just confused all the really good people and they didn't really know what to do with me. Ok I have to run but will finish this later. |
| Sunday, November 13th, 2005 |
| 7:04 pm |
I am skipping out on my dad's speech tonight about God and stuff. I went out drinking well not actually drinking last night I just had a glass of wine it was a really good white wine. It was fun I hung out with my dearest friend Kristen. It had been a couple of months since I drank because she was pregnant and I was not drinking to support her so that she wouldn't feel alone anyway something awful happened and she had a miscarriage. I felt so bad for her. She was so excited about the baby so we've have been drinking a lot together. I guess I just don't know what to do. oh my goodness people are calling I'll have to finish later. P.S. I love Greg |
| Sunday, October 23rd, 2005 |
| 7:51 pm |
So it's Sunday again. And I am on vacation. I am just going to hang here in town for the week. I am so sad for greggy and crystal but I know that they will make right decisions for them. I had to call into work sick yesterday. I went to work on Friday, felt like shit my throat hurt my head hurt and I was cold to the bone. But I stayed because it was freight day and plus I was going on vacation right? Wrong! That only make things worse. I went home and proceeded to get 100 degree fever and felt even more like shit. Oh course I thought to myself since I feel so damn crappy maybe sex would make me feel better so I called Chad. I didn't tell him that I wanted sex but I was intending on having sex with him. He got there and I was sooooo not in the mood. How could that be? He tried really hard though. We watch Blazing Saddle. A movie which I really didn't understand. OK it was kind of pointless but I guess the whole point of a pointless movie is just a movie? Anyway thank God he went home he kept on Begging and it got very annoying. Oh I forgot to tell you the worse part. He cannot parrell park to save his life so Me with my 100 degree fever had to go out there and direct him. He's lucky I'm nice. So I called in Sick on Saturday. My boss called to tell me that being sick on my first day of vacation sucked and I agreed. I love my job but I am sooo glad that I don't have to be back for a week. Ok I have to go |
| Sunday, October 16th, 2005 |
| 4:52 pm |
So I can't decided if I want to go to Seattle or not. I always have the worse timing. I have to call Greg and Crystal and talk to them about it. I don't want them to have to entertain me when they are going through stuff you know. I mean, I was kind of looking forward to all the great sex but I think I might be staying home which is perfectly good for me too. My sister just bought a house and she asked if I would stay to help her put her house together. Or maybe this is just my cheap excuses. I just don't feel comfortable being around when my friends have issues that they need to work though. What I mean is that I have never had this experience before so therefor I am afraid that I will give the wrong advice or worse yet lose my tempter and yell at the wrong person or hell even the right person. I would feel horrible if I hurt anyone's feelings. I do wish that there was more that I could do but I just know that when I am having a serious problem the last thing I need to do is to entertain. So maybe a postponing? Is that even a word? I am babbling, that's because I am nervous about when this thing is going to be read by others. I'm so sorry. |
| 12:37 pm |
This morning my little niece had to go to the hospital she had 100 degree temp. I was very afraid but apparently my friend upstairs said that it wasn't unusual for a baby to get that high of a tempter. I was very nervous for my sister. The doctors gave my little niece who's only a year old steroids. I guess it's supposed to help with the swelling? It's weird to think of a little baby taking steroids. I just got back from church it was very interesting there was a lot of talk of god and stuff. God being talked about at church go figure right. I am getting very excited for my trip. I can't wait to hang out with greggy and the others. I hope that I "m not going to be coming at a bad time again. I should plan things better. But I have decided that I am going to read five books there. Let's see I have three picked out so far. The Catcher and in the Rye, Accident, and some Edgar Allen Poe stuff. I hope I don't give myself nightmares. |
| Sunday, October 9th, 2005 |
| 10:26 pm |
God- I am feeling rather at peace tonight so becareful reading this it may offend you
I'm feeling rather not so sleepy!! I am here at my parent's house as I always am when I write most of these entries. I am thinking about what a crazy weekend it has been. On Friday night, my sister Chia and I went to hang out with my buddy Justin (I decided that I would share him so she gets 10% of him). He's was house sitting so we hung out and watch movie. Justin tried to teach us how to do the butt dance. It was quit sexual I have to say. I don't think that my body can move like that. To isolate each muscle so that nothing else moves expect for the muscle (my butt) moves. To try to get me to understand the moves he nicked named them "Sex" and "No Sex." OK now you're speaking my terms. Still didn't do so well but at least I tried. It was really funny!! I spent the night, chia left and went to some party. It was really nice having some alone time with him. I learned a lot of different things about him. He's so sweet. He's the kind of people that are very old for there age while I am like others that are always young at heart. I think that is why we are such good friends. It always amazes me how even though he has had his little heart pulled out spat on and trampled over he still seeks love and still wants to find that special someone. That's so brave. Today I went to Church with my sister. I have to say that it was a better experience that I thought it was going to be. Latter-day Saints have a three hour Church session. The first hour is held in one room. Everyone gathers and some people not preachers or anyone special normally just regular church members talk about their lives and experiences sometimes special people talk but most of the time it's just your regular LDS Joe. The Second Hour, the adults and the children split up and go to yet another class when Teachers teach. The teachers are again just your regular LDS Joes talking about God and stuff and the last hour Women and Men split up and go to their own classes. This last hour has always been the hardest for me because I get bored. In the woman's side there is always a lot of talk about marriage and children, which I have neither. But today it wasn't so bad. The very nice woman spoke about courage. She spoke of being able to talk about your beliefs even thought other people don't agree with you. She said that having courage was not only being brave but being about to be honest with yourself and others and knowing that it didn't matter what others thought of you but what you and God thought of yourself and your own actions. It was very intense for me to hear that. I have not really felt any which direction about God lately but tonight I pulled out my scriptures and I felt something like a peace that I have not had for a long time. Knowing that there is a God and that he loves me is just something that I can't deny anymore. In the back of my head I am afraid that with this realization will it mean that I will lose respect or friends. I feel so shallow and not really worthy of God for feeling this way. What other's must have had to go through because they believed. I would have never survive if that were me. |
| 8:10 pm |
Boring work stuff
I have been so busy lately. My store is going to be closing in about a year and a half and we are busy with the restaffing of our new store. Some people from the old store will not be going with us and some people from the new store will no longer be with us when our stores merge. I have been working a lot at the new store. I've been very lucky because their head cashier is a neat freak and everything is incredible organized!!! So onward to tying to create and old store feeling in the new store. Most people are very happy that I am there so much. However, it's come to my attention that one of the girls is feeling very nervous about working with me. She is afraid that I will not think highly of her. I don't know where this comes from. Should I go to her and confront her on the problem. I mean I have sources that have been telling me theses things. Or should I just let things lay and if she has a problem she can come to me I don't know. I've never been in charge before. I want to be the kind of person that other coworkers are not afraid to come and talk to even if I may have a little power. That leads me to something else that has been bothering me. There is a very nice woman that I work with and she is actually one of my very good friends. But when it comes to work she sucks!! She is at least 20 minutes late every morning. Her excuses is because she lives in Gresham and our store is in Portland she has to fight traffic but it just gets very irritating, plus she wines and complains a lot. Inspite of that she still got a raise. The owners really care about her I think that they may even see her as some kind of a daughter of sorts. She recently found out that she was pregnant and when she told the owner of the store, the owner freaked out and asked how much maturity leave she would be taking. The owner later apologized and told her that she was happy for her. After my friends review and after she found out that she had gotten the raise, our old store manager, who I really don't like (he sent his quite letter via fax to the owners, after five years with the company) walked into the store and I was very polite to him because that is the kind of person that I am. My friend went to the old store manager and was telling him how horrible the owner had been to her. And that she was miserable there. She also said that the store wasn't doing as well as when he was there. Of course she is in titled to her own option but honestly she had just gotten everything that she wanted from the review so why was she bad mouthing the owner. I was so angary. Those who know me know or at least should know that loyalty is everything to me. You should never bite the hand that feeds you. Why are people like that. In fact like I said before this woman is someone who I consider a very good friend. If she could treat the owners of the store this way and they bend over backwards to help her, where will she be when I really need her. Will she also bad talk me? This really bugs me a lot. |
| Sunday, September 25th, 2005 |
| 2:54 pm |
So on this quest to be a better person I'm trying to stop all the things that I do that may feel good at the moment but feel horrible later. First thing is that I have to stop having sex with guys who come to me because they are lonely. My ex boyfriend Chad on one hand. He told this woman (very nice I'm sure) that he was in love with her wanted to marry her even though they have not met. I however have been fucking him for the last three months and almost got back together with him about a month ago. So the next question I have to ask is well if he's soo in love with this wonderful woman What the fuck is her doing in my bed. He's answer was that he was lonly and since he's never met her I guess I was the next best thing. But he actully still always wanted her. Which like I said in the end makes me feel less then zero. So then I try to find a hot guy to have sex with only it's nice for a while too but then in the end that's not what I really want. The honest truth is I have noooooo clue what I want. I mean I'm not saying that I am lonely I love my life. I have great family & friends. And I don't ever, well I don't think I ever get that aching to be with someone as some of my friends have complained about. I dot' really worry about the husband and children. I guess that will happen when it happens. I have very dear sweet friend name Justin, he's so sweet and so cute. He just got his heart broken and yet he still longs for that someone to snuggle with and call his own. I told him that I thought he was very brave and then I told him about some of my warped thoughts on love and he was like a tree that would not fall down, even though the floods and the rains may come. He still held fast to his belief that someone to love was in his future. Sweet boy!! For now at least, I will have to put this on the back burner and just conentrate on my work and my friends and my trip to see my pals in seattle!! I can't wait to go to the merk again and drink alot and have my drinks taken away because I'm drinking them too fast (wink, wink). Ok later. |
| Sunday, September 18th, 2005 |
| 4:27 pm |
LOTS TO SAY!!
Hi there!! Today is Sunday. I went to church with my sister. She called me last night and told me that her husband was out of town so she wanted me to go to church with her. I feel really confused about going to church but I guess it's better than wasting the day away doing nothing. But before I tell you about the rest of my week, there has been something that has been on my mind for a while now. My loving dear sweet sister got a hold of my journal and she was messaging people on it making comments and what not. She wrote something to a friend of mine that I feel tribble about. She wrote them another note saying that she was kidding, but now I feel like that person will not be so open towards me now that I see so many locks on my friends list. I'm sorry!! I feel awful about that. But I guess the damage is done. Aside of that my week has been pretty good. I hung out with my friend Justin a lot. He's so cute!! He's only 19 and as the energy of a teenager!! I don't know if I can keep up. I went to a club called Escape last night. IT was an under age club so good thing I already had my liquor from before. My sister and I went to a "white party" which is were everyone dresses in white the the whole club is in white attire. It was very busy and there was really good music. My sister likes this group called the Pussy Cats? Something about my girlfriend being cuter than yours. Anyway on to the cool stuff. I got a sun and moon/stars tattooed on my breast!! Ok well maybe not actually tattoo just air brushed. I've never had that done before hummmm needless to say that my button up shirt was unbuttoned exposing my breast the whole night. But people liked my tattoos. So I guess this was a long entry!! so bye |
| Monday, September 12th, 2005 |
| 9:08 pm |
I have been thinking alot today about my friends. I am so worried about some of them. I wish that I could live closer to you guys and you know who I am talking about. Please feel free to call me if you should ever need to talk even if it's 2 o'clock in the morning. I hung out with my friend Justin and my sister's friend Jason last night. They are both very funny boys!! I wish that when my friends are sad I could just wave a wand and make them happy maybe erase their pain. But in my head I understand that they must go through what they must go through. So with that I will just worry on the side lines. |
| 4:39 pm |
Last night was so much fun!!! I went to CC Slaughters with Chia and her friends. I've come to a conclusion. I think that life is what you make it. If the cup is always half empty for you then you will always be sad. But if you try to see the bright side of things and think that the cup is half full you become happier person. Anyway that's just what I was thinking while grinding up against gay boys last night. P.S. I miss you guys Greg, Crystal, Liz, Joel and Michael. |
| Wednesday, September 7th, 2005 |
| 7:49 pm |
No more liquor for me!!! This song has been stuck in my head since last night when I was praying to the porcelain god that I have to type it so maybe it will go away. why do I do just as you say why must I just give you your way. Why do I shy, who don't I try to forget? It must have been that something, lovers call fate. Kept on saying, I had to wait. I saw them all, just couldn't fall till we met. It had to be you. It had to be you. I wondered around and finally found that somebody who, could make me be true Could make me be blue and even be glad, just be sad thinking of you Some others I've seen. Might never be mean. Might never be cross or try to be boss. But they wouldn't do. For nobody else came me a thrill with all your faults I love you still. It had to be you, wonderful you, had to be you. So why this song is in my head I have no idea, I think I was just trying to think of anything but throwing up!! |
| 7:28 pm |
Yesterday I turned 28!!! Ouch!! I didn't like that. I had to work from 9am to 6pm but then my work friends and I went out for my birthday. It was really fun. We went to Elephants and the bartender very cute Justine(girl) gave me a long island and a martini for free. I guess happy birthdays are to me. Let's see my buddies Ryan, Jay, Sierra, Lynny boo, and Justin were there. It was so much fun to hang out with them. I love Elephants!! For those of you who don't know what Elephants is, it's a Restaurant that use to be a Deli and now they have a bar. I love the Bar!! I love Orieon!! I go there all the time. I have no life!! We left after a while and went to Sana Fe!! Great place for Margaritas!! I had three!! My sister's friend Jason(HOT) came to San fe after a while. I was trying to hook him up with my Lover Justin. They make a cute couple!! From there it's kind of a blur. I think that I called Greg and told Greg to Kiss Michael for me? Sorry!! Jason and Justin took me home where finally Justin did the butt dance for me. I laughed so hard I thought I was going to pee my pants. Justin has a very nice butt. His butt could compete against the man in black's butt!! You now have competition man in black. I no longer think you have the best butt!!! |
| Monday, September 5th, 2005 |
| 2:30 pm |
I forgot to say kate!! I really did like seeing you!! I can't believe that you ate all your mac and cheeses. |
| 1:31 pm |
FUN!!!
So this weekend greg,crystal,joel,dear sweet Liz and hottie Michael and Riff were here. It was so much fun to hang out with them. I wish that I had more time, next time you guys come here I will make sure that I have the whole weekend off. I really didn't think that I knew any of them except for Greg that well, but I was wrong. Liz is such a sweetie pie. I felt bad that she was sick a part of the time, but I guess that comes with mother hood and can I just say she's soooo cute and funny!!! My family is having a birthday party for me today. I wonder what this will be like. The party is going to be at my brothers house. Maybe I should take my own fifth!!! No, I love my family but all of us together. We'll just have to wait and see. I had breakfast with my ex Chad today. It was very interesting!! He told me about the girl that he likes that he has been chatting with on-line. I am giving him advice. So weird giving advice to a guy that your having a sexual relationship with. |
| Monday, August 22nd, 2005 |
| 4:42 pm |
ERRRRRR
I get so irritated and a little jealous sometimes of people who seem to get whatever they want without really working for it. People who play the other people around them like a concert violinist. That exasperates me soooooo much. I mean I guess it's fun for a little while to see how far you can get but doesn't it ever get old. Don't you ever feel ashamed of your actions and just want to crawl into a whole. There are some people that no matter what they do other good people around them are blinded by them and their actions. |
| 12:29 am |
I'm tired of thinking all the time about Chad so now I am going to take a little break and for the new couple entries I will not mention his name OK so here goes. Other things happening in my life. My sister is moving to Portland after about 13 years away. She has since then gotten married went to college didn't finish but at least she went and now has four wonderful children that I most of the time adore. I'm so happy that she is moving here. I never realized just how much I missed her. I think that she was such a big part of my childhood that having her back in my life full time will do me some good, and it will help me with this soul reaching thing I've been trying to do lately. My sister is great!! She's beautiful and smart loving and very sweet. She doesn't understand what is going on in my life and when I tried to tell her about the almost sex in Seattle she covers her ears. She's convinced that I will forever be stubborn and has given up hope for a husband in the near future. She's so funny. I am really happy that she will be here. A couple of months ago, a customer at the hardware store where I work came by and we started talking about wine. I told him that I use to date someone who was a wine snob, he only drank Red wine so there for so did I. The customer who's name is john was very nice and seemed pretty interesting, we spoke for a little while. He came back the next day and gave me a bottle of red wine and told me to try it. He said that it was just a table wine. I liked it. Last week John came into my store and there was a very cute little boy with him, his son. His name was john Jr. He was adorable!!! We talked about Harry Potter mostly and bowling. He told me that his dad was taking him bowling and we talked about how we both suck at bowling. My highest score at that time was 90 maybe if I were lucky!! Anyway JohnSr., to buy his stuff and I said a farewell to both the John's as they left. Little John came back into the store and with those beautiful brown eyes and long flowing eye lashes he asked "My Dad, huh I mean I want to know if you want to go bowling tonight?" I was so cute I oh course said yes had a great time but here's the bad news. He's 20 yes I said 20 years older than me. How crazy his that. His oldest daughter is 18 a not so long ten years my junior. Odd don't you think. So how do you tell a very nice older man that your not interested. I guess we will have to see. It's so fucking HOT!!! I think I won't like hell if it's this hot. Maybe it will be even worse and I won't even have a little hand held fan. I wonder what it's really like. I use to think that hell would be like hanging out in clubs like (no offense because I love it now but) Dante's and bars. With all that noise and the lost feelings, but that's not looking so bad to me right now. Ok now I'm just talking about nothing. I gotta go to bed. |
| Sunday, August 21st, 2005 |
| 7:52 pm |
a shameful truth
Ok so guess what!! I've decieded that due to the fact that I can not will not pretend to understand the whole chad issue or what is in his head so I can only do something about what is in my head. I have to move on from him. What we had was super great but this whole sea sawing thing is just going to drive me crazy and I don't want to go crazy so that is that. So now onward to my search to find out who I am and what I really want. My niece Mia is in here and I am going to type everything that she says so here goes"what are you writing" are you saying what I am saying?" Auntie YENG!!!! Who are you writing it to?" Auntie Yeng there is Tommy- I'm not saying that" URRRRRRR. Laughter! I gotta go. |
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